I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
