dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
