just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
