Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
