I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
