i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
That's how pantless uber rides happen
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
