i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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