Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
