our cab driver is having phone sex.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
