Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
