Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
