K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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