I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
