We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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