Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
