Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
