i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
