The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
