Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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