puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
