Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
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