I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
