I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
