Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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