i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
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He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
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Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.