Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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