It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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