So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
