i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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