I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
