It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
