Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
So many bounce houses so little time
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
