Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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