I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
