I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
