All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
