soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
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I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
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Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.