I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
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I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
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I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful