I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.