Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"