billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
