you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
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you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
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Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.