no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
