i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
