Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
