I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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