By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
