just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
It all started with a game of naked twister.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
