im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
