Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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