I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
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