I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
