You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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