Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
