My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
