Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
