fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Randomize
