So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
