Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Apparently you make a good broom.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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