It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
