there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
