Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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