the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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