mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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